Messed up world of Harry Potter
by Scorch-X
Summary: What if a fanfiction author actually gets inside a fanfiction? Well, normally the result would be characters being slightly out of character, but add a certified insane fanfiction author into the mix, and you get the Messed up world of Harry Potter.
1. Chapter 1

The messed up world of Harry Potter

By Scorch-X

Chapter 1: Umbridge is a big fat bitch

It was the morning after Professor Dumbledore had escaped the castle, following the discovery and forced disbanding of Dumbledore's Army. In the great hall, Harry and several other of the DA members were moping around the library, cursing their bad luck, and especially Dolores Umbridge. Suddenly, their was a flash of light, and a stranger appeared.

"Oh hey Scorch." Harry said

"Whose this guy then?" Seamus asked

"Scorch Themlight, i write fanfiction." the guy said

"Fanfiction?" Hermione asked

"Yeah, about Harry and the war against Voldemort." Scorch replied

"It's pronounced Vol-de-more, the T is silent." Harry said

"Really? In the movies, they pronounced it with a T." Scorch replied

"What's a movie?" Ron asked

"Okay guys, this may be shocking, but this guy comes from a pararel world, where everything that happens here to us is recorded in a series of books." Harry said

"That's impossible." Hermione replied

"No, it's possible. And i know one thing, Ferret is about to enter in 3.2.1. Cue Ferret boy." Scorch said, as Draco walked in with Crabbe and Goyle.

"Well, Dumbass' Associated, what are you doing here?" he asked

"Fuck off Malfoy." Ron replied

"10 points off Gryffindor for that profanity Weasel King." Malfoy said

"What the hell? Prefects can't dock points, you dumb bastard." Harry said

"If they can, 1000 points from Slytherin on account of you being an arsehole." Ron said

"20 points from Gryffindor for that Pothead, Weasel King." Malfoy said, "Prefects can't dock points, but members of the Inquisitorial Squad can dock points. You know, I'm glad that Umbridge closed down your stupid club. Umbridge is the best thing to happen to this school."

"Mate, if you loose your nose, you'll find it in Umbridges big fat arse." Scorch commented

"What?" Draco spat, "Who the hell are you?"

Scorch waved his hand over Malfoy's face, "I am not here."

"You are not here." Draco said

"You will hop on one foot." Scorch said, causing Draco to hop on one foot, leading to laughter.

"Draco Malfoy is a poo poo head." Scorch said

"I am a poo poo head." Draco said, causing everyone, even Crabbe and Goyle to laugh. Draco suddenly came back to his senses.

"1000 points of Gryffindor!" Malfoy said

"3000 points of Slytherin and 1000 points to Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw." Scorch whispered. Draco looked at the hourglasses with confusion.

"What the hell's wrong with this damn thing?" he asked, then suddenly his robes had "Muggles are awesome." emblazed on the back.

"That's it, Umbridge should expell the lot of you!" Draco snapped

"Only cos she's a big dumb stupid bit..." Harry started

"You dare complete that sentence, and you'll loose your house 200 points."

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeellll!" Harry started

"I'm warning you Potter!" Malfoy said

"Okay, okay..." Harry said, then suddenly music began to play, and harry stated to sing, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLL, Umbridge a bitch, she's a big dumb bitch, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, She's a bitch to all the boys and girls." Harry sang

"Shut your fucking mouth potter!" Malfoy yelled

"On Monday she's a bitch, On Tuesday she's a bitch  
On Wednesday thru Saturday she's a bitch Then on Sunday just to be different,  
She's a super king kamehameha bitch." Harry sang

"Come on all, let's sing along!" Scorch said

"Have you ever met Professor Umbridge, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,  
She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair, She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch  
Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, She's a stupid bitch, Umbridge is a bitch,  
And she's such a dirty bitch.

Talk to kids around the world,  
It might go a little something like this...

Umbridge est une chienne stupide, une chienne sourde-muette,

Umbridge is een stom wijfje, een stom wijfje, oh wat een wijfje

是一条愚笨的母狗，一条沉默寡言的母狗，哦母狗

Have you ever met Professor Umbridge,  
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,"

Suddenly, the library doors opened, and Umbridge walks in. Everyone gasped, except Harry whose too busy singing. Scorch was rolling on the floor, laughing his arse off, not noticing Umbridge.

"She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair, She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch  
Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch."

"Oh shit, Harry, HARRY!" Ron hissed

"She's a stupid bitch, Umbridge's a bitch,  
And she's such a dirty bitch; I really mean it,  
Umbridge, she's a big dumb, stinking bitch  
Big old dumb fuckin' bitch, Ummmmmbriiiiiiiiiiiiidge!  
Yeahhhhh, Chaaaaa" Harry finished. Seeing everyone looking horrified, he asked

"What's wrong with you guys?" he asked. Scorch stood up.

"Who stopped the music?" he asked. Then seeing Umbridge advaning, he gave a cry of fright, and vanished. Harry saw umbridge marching over, and he muttered something that bore an uncanny reseblence to "Oh shit."

The next day, Harry was sitting at the table for breakfast. from his right hand to the elbow read "I will not call professor Umbridge" and down his left arm continued "a big dumb fucking bitch." Later in the day during lunch, Umbridge gave out a loud croak and transformed into a giant toad, causing every member of staff to snigger, even Snape.

"Snapes scary when he laughs." Neville said


	2. Chapter 2

Messed up world of Harry Potter

By ScorchX

Chapter 2: How do you replace dementors?

It was another long day in the ministry of magic, and Kingsley Shacklebolt was up to his eyeballs in paperwork. One of his problems was finding guards for Azkaban, as the Dementors had been removed and most of them had been destroyed. Their was a knock on his door, and a tall medium built man with a crazy look in his eyes walked in, followed by Aurors Potter, Weasley and Longbottom.

"Just a minute, how did you get in here muggle?" Kingsley asked, holding his wand and aiming it at the muggle.

"Kingsley, this is Scorch. He's been appearing in my life for years." Harry said, "He's not a muggle, he can do a type of magic of the kinds that i've never seen before."

"I can bend reality, that's my power as a fanfiction author." Scorch said.

"Really?" Kingsley asked, then noticed that a nearby wall had turned transparent, and they were looking into a female changing room, where a very hot woman was getting dressed.

"Scorch!" Harry said in shock.

"Sorry." Scorch said as the wall reappeared, "I was just trying to show how my 1337 powers work mate."

"Okay, so how did you find this place?" Kingsley asked

"I read the books." Scorch said, "And to be honest, it wasn't really that hard, the number to get in was 6-2-4-4-2, or magic if you go by the letters under the numbers. I've came to help you out with your problems with the dementors. You need cold hearted soul sucking monsters? I can get you something very similar!"

"You're crazy." Kingsley said simply.

"Not quite, you don't have to be crazy to believe in magic and do my job, but it does help. Look Shack, I can get you replacement guards for your little prison. Hell, I could get you mercs to defend the place. Just give me a chance and I'll help you out!" Scorch said

"This sounds like a bad idea, even to me. Okay Scorch, you can try to help us." Kingsley said

"Shack, you won't regret this." Scorch said, "I'll be back tomorrow morning with my wraith."

Early the next day, Scorch had returned, with another muggle, a smartly dressed muggle.

"Okay, who is the other guy?" Kingsley asked wearily.

"This Shack, old boy, is a lawyer." Scorch announced proudly. Hearing the word lawyer, several muggleborn and half-blood wizards and witches ran away screaming in terror.

"What does he do?" Kingsley asked. Almost on cue, the lawyer began talking.

"If you've been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault, we'll help you take on the big guys and get the compensation you deserve.

Here at the National Accident Helpline, we understand that getting back on your feet after a serious accident is no easy task. You may well have suffered both physically and financially, but the prospect of claiming compensation against an employer or large organisation can often seem daunting.

That's where we can help. NAH has been working since 1993 to help people like you claim the compensation they deserve on a no win no fee basis. So whomever you're up against, you'll be better off with us on your side. The No Win No Fee system was put in place in 1995 to give people access to justice, replacing legal aid. The main aim of no win no fee is to ensure that claimants do not have to pay a fee if they lose their claim which lessens the risk involved when making a claim. However, at the National Accident Helpline we go one step further and ensure that you will always take home 100% of your compensation, because if you win, your solicitors fees will be recovered from the other side on top of any compensation awarded.

At National Accident Helpline we make accident claims simple. We put you in touch with one of our local specialist solicitors who will keep you informed every step of the way and explain the no win no fee process to you.

Each claimant who calls us will have their claim assessed - our team will decide whether they feel you are eligible to make a no win/no fee claim. If they decide you are eligible, they can transfer you directly to a personal injury solicitor in your area - you could be talking to a solicitor and starting your claim in minutes!

There's no need to feel like an underdog when making a no win no fee claim - even if you are claiming against large organisations or local councils - National Accident Helpline will be with you every step of the way.

And the best bit? There are no hidden costs. If you win, you should keep 100% of the compensation. And even if you lose, you will not have to pay a fee.

For more information call our team of legally trained advisors who will talk you through the no win no fee process, or fill out a short claim online form and we will get back to you. It really is that simple.

Regulated by the Ministry of Justice in respect of regulated claims management activities. No. CRM1437; registration recorded on the website..." the lawyer said, until Kingsley suddenly screamed "AVADA KADAVRA!" and killed him.

"Whoa shit, what did you do that for? Lawyers don't grow on trees!" Scorch said, "You just killed my lawyer, he was representing me in a few weeks, I was suing the mental health services for trying to sedate me without permission! Now I gotta represent myself."

"Their is no way we're putting those horrible creatures into Azkaban, my god, they make dementors look soft." Kingsley said

"Damn, okay, I'll come back in a few days with something else." Scorch said, and then began to undress the lawyer.

"What the hell are you doing?" Harry asked

"It's a nice suit, shame to waste it." Scorch replied, taking the lawyers close and leaving.

"What a sick bastard." Neville said, looking disturbed.

End of chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

Messed up world of Harry Potter

By ScorchX

Chapter 2: Walburga goes too far

In Number 12 Grimauld Place, it was an early morning, as Harry, Hermione and several of the Weasleys were helping to dispose of some old furniture. As Ron carried a bag full of dead Doxies, their was a sudden flash of light, and Scorch appeared in a puff of smoke. The appearence of Scorch was so sudden that Ron dropped the bag, scattering dead Doxies over the floor.

"Sorry bout that Ron." Scorch said. Upon hearing Scorch's voice, Harry poked his head around the door.

"Aw damn it, how the hell did you get in here?" he asked

"Never mind that, I found a solution to the dementor problem." Scorch said

"If it involved robot Chuck Norris', Robot Mr. T's or Ninjas, Kingsley we're not using your plan." Harry said, causing Scorch's face to fall slightly, "Ugh, which one were you thinking of using?"

"All 3." Scorch said brightly, "Robot Chuck Mr. T ninjas."

"Has anybody told you that you're not playing with a full deck?" Harry asked

"I don't play cards Harry." Scorch said, then winced as a scream filled the passageway, "What's that, a fire alarm of some kind?"

"Mrs. Black." Ron said

"Who?" Scorch asked, picking up a jar of liquid and examining it.

"She's a portait of Sirus' mother, she's insane and screams insults at anyone who passes by." Ron said

"Why not just take it down?" Scorch asked

"Perminant sticking charm." Harry said, "We've tried to take her down many times before."

"What about smashing the wall down, or is that enchanted too?" Scorch asked

"Yep." Harry said, "We tried that too."

The group headed into the passageway to find Percy involved in a screaming match with Walburga.

"You blood traitor, how dare you betray blood purity." Walburga screamed

"What's going on then?" Scorch asked, as Percy backed away looking sheepish.

"You filthy muggle bastard! Get out of my house!" Walburga said

"I think it's Harry's house now. Didn't nobody tell you that?" Scorch asked

"YOU MUGGLES ARE PRIMITIVE ANIMALS." Walburga screamed#

"Aw bite me." Scorch said, throwing the jar of liquid over the painting. Walburga let out a terrible scream of pain.

"What the hell was in that jar?" Harry asked

"Dunno." Scorch said, looking at the jars label, "What's Acetone?"

"YOU... YOU CURSED MUGGLE, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Walburga screamed, as the paints began to melt off the portrait, "I'M MELTING, MELTING. OH WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A MUGGLE LIKE YOU COULD DESTROY MY BEAUTIFUL WICKEDNESS!"

"Woah shit." Harry said, as the portait of Walburga Black melted out of the frame into a puddle on the floor, with her still moaning.

"Paint thinner!" Harry said, shaking Scorch's hand "You're a genius Scorch!"

"Would you call Mensa and tell them that?" Scorch asked hopefully


End file.
